Are you ever gonna update?

You know, I really need to quit starting blog posts, and then procrastinating wearing my Not Pants and finally posting a month later. Yea, I'll work on that. There's also another post between this one, too.

Eddie Haskell style Christianity

I love 'Leave it to Beaver'. If you've never watched it, you probably won't get the title reference. However since 83.7% of fundamentalists* long for an idealist American family life set in the 1950's, I'm sure you can relate. It dawned on me that many christians are like good ole' Edward G. Haskell. This is the guy with such a huge overactive sense of self worth, he makes Kanye West look humble. Their behavior in front of others is all about one upping you to oblivion. They are winners. You must acknowledge it, and feel below average. If your kid was saying the alphabet at age two, their kid was reading Shakespeare at age two. Your kid has a piano recital, his created an original musical score for the local church. Blah, blah, freakin, blah. (This is about the time you're ready to introduce them to an holy right hook.) Not only that, they have a level of passive aggressiveness that is legendary. Of course, you may not always know this fact. You just wonder why their casserole at the church potluck always tastes funny.....


*Made up statistic. Blank Certificate via 123certificates.com.

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so blue

My interpersonal skills suck. Growing up, everyone thought I was just 'shy' and would eventually come out of my shell. It wasn't until I left fundamentalism that I finally decided to get help. I have social anxiety disorder. (Finally, a medical reason for my aloof, assoholic ways explained.) Religion in general places a huge emphasis on perfection. I wonder how many fundies are struggling to maintain a pure image? Outwardly pretending everything is great with false smiles to cover up the insecurity inside. I used to think I could pray away the KRAZY. After all, if god wanted us to have mental illnesses, he would've handed them out at alter call. Why is mental illness often overlooked, downplayed or demonized in religion? Religious logic deems that "God has given us a sound mind", 2 Tim 1:7 should be enough to handle any postpartum, post traumatic stress, or post wtfhaveigottenmyselfinto depression any christian faces. If the fundie prays hard enough, and all unconfessed sin in their life is accounted for, then surely everything will be fine. With prayer, meekness and a quiet spirit, they can do everything the right way at the right time, um, rightly. After achieving rightliness, all emotional eggs can be put in one basket and.....oh shitzu!...Dammit, I almost had a point, and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling bible: "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."

...and Lord, please smite all them that disagree

As a former fundie, I like to make up my own statistics. So I'll say roughly, 83.7% of fundamentalists have a Superiority Complex. I also enjoy being my own authority, and speaking for an entire group of people. Here's my bullet points on the Origins of Fundie Arrogance:
--What else do they have besides heaven?
--Other sects of Christianity are wrong
--They believe in an old fashioned alter
--The bible is always right, therefore, they are too
--Their kids know more doctrine than you
--Only they have the right version of the Bible
--They are always persecuted for their beliefs
--Other Christians don't have their standards
--That rebellious woman is in pants!
--They win souls
--They aren't liberal

Without the superiority, they'd be just like every other christian out there. "Come out from among them & be ye separate."!

Repressed Sexuality

Sex is evil. Sex is bad. Don't do it until you're married. From my own perspective, being single is hard in fundamentalism. It's even harder being single when you're already 'damaged goods'. God throws thunder bolts from the sky at those who disobey his command to remain pure until marriage. Those who fornicate will forever lose a piece of their heart. They will never get it back. Masturbaters are filthy, dirty people who defile themselves. Ever hear a person give a testimony about how "They waited until marriage to lose their virginity?" I have. It was always served with a knowing smile and a side of smuggars jelly. A subtle reminder to those who hadn't waited. You're only a virgin once, so those who did it the right way can pass go and collect $200. Pious folks in the congregation know this. They will shove it in your face for the next 1000 years. I find it interesting that it's the women who usually boast this. In fact, this is something women would give a testimony about on Sunday nights. Why is always the women who waited? Shouldn't Brother Billy have to suffer the same oppression?

In conclusion, being a virgin is a wonderful, precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with you having sex.

Thank you for not discussing the outside world

A true fundie must shield their children from all that is secular, wordly. Fundies are notorious for living a life of exclusion. After all, they can not properly brainwash if they are exposed to differing points of view. I often think of all the little pleasures given up for fundamentalism. Organized sports for one thing. Fundie logic usually deems total separation; Sports take away your focus from god. Therefore little Junior does not even have an option to hang out with their peers. On the fundie-lite side, sports are allowed as long as there has been a careful, calculated ploy to reduce exposure. This means only approved playmates in a god-filled environment. Go Team!

Bathsheba was a whore

I was not born into fundamentalism, therefore some customs were strange to me. Although no one forced me, I knew that modesty was expected of women. The separation of male & female was clearly defined. Men wear pants, women don't. Women sit down, shut up & go bake me some cookies.

When I was following fundamentalism, I really wanted to please the LORD. I rarely do anything half-assed, so I gave it my all & made the plunge to all dresses/skirts. It's funny how people treat you differently when you wear only dresses. Suddenly people become more solemn, more serious as if afraid they'll offend you somehow. I remember one of my co-workers asking in hesitant, hushed tones "...um...You don't, um, wear pants do you?" The sharp contrast made me uncomfortable around those were not of the same belief.

Women have a duty to adorn modest apparel, making sure not to bring male attention to the outside appearance. Unlike the female specimen, men have uncontrollable urges and lust in their eyes. Costly array & broided hair may cause the male fundie to eye-rape the woman. Therefore, it is her fault if she causes him to fall into temptation.
Shirt I was too convicted to wear in my fundie days.