The Confessional Booth

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
It's the end of the service & time for prayer. The pastor encourages those who are not saved to come forward. Then it's time for the fundamentalist confession booth. No, I'm not talking about Catholicism, but there IS a confessional booth in the fundie world. It's called the altar, & good old-fashioned guilt trips filled with syrupy sweet buzz words get you there. Words that are over enunciated and the piano/organ sets the mood for a dirty, hot, steamy...uh...

"If you're sitting there today, & something in the sermon stirred your heart-a, I want you to come forward-a.."
"Someone here has sin in their life that they need to confess to God-a.."
"You've been praying about an area in your life that you need to change-a.."

Generalized terms that could potentially apply to anyone. If you go to a big church, good, you're safe & no need to take the long walk of shame. But, if you go to a small church, you're faced with a decision. Do you go & risk the rumor mill? Do you stay at your pew & risk the rumor mill? You can't win. The confession booth is for Sister Betty to have something to talk about on Monday.

And in other news, Scarlett Johansson is like totally, totally hot! Don't say I didn't warn ya!

"If you're struggling with sin-a, you need to get it settled today-a"

The imaginary movie screen in the sky

Many Christians macerroneously believe that after they die, Jesus is going to show them their sins on a big movie screen in front of everybody. Who's the genius that started this rumor? Once again, this rumor only solidifies my ability to generalize, prejudge & assume. The average xtian that believes this probably has not read their bible, but blindly follows traditions, customs & Pastor SoundingBrass. The idea of a huge movie screen showing your secret sins is not true!!! If you read your B-I-B-L-E instead of having it shoved down your throat on Sunday, you'd know this contradicts:

Heb 8:12, Heb 10:17 (He won't even 'member your sin.)
Ps 103:12 (Yo sins been moved far as the East to the West, Girl)
Rev 21:4 (Ain't no more sorrow or pain)

Hey, but what do I know? Maybe Jesus is watching you masturbate.

On the eighth day, God created H8

I was listening to a fundamentalist attention whore the other day & the topic was Homosexuality. Gay hate is the last frontier for popular sermon bashing. It's sad that we live in a day where people's religious choices effect an entire high school prom. What about that students right not to adhere to the Bible Belt forcing her in the closet? Homo hate is nothing new in religious circles, but it's one of the most oppressing. On the extreme, you've got preachers yelling that God turned them gay & that they can't even be saved. So an entire group of people is damned to hell because of they way they were born? Some churches even have retraining courses for gays. The problem is that this teaches that's not ok to be gay, but rather they must change to conform. This leaves xtian gays with a wonderful lifelong celibacy, loneliness, dateless, masturbationless existence. Well I've decided to keep it real here. Every two weeks Whenever the hell I feel like it, I'll post a pic of women that I find hot. Here's my Lesbian Idol:

FBDTCQ7BHUX4

Angry Rant directed at my former church

As I sit here typing this, it is March 9th and you still haven't sent me my end-of-year tax contribution so I can file my taxes. It can't be because you don't have my address since I sent you a letter at the end of 2009. I have spent the past few months trembling in sweet anticipation waiting for my letter showing the monies I have given youse guys. In fact, I grew tired of waiting so I sent you another letter nearly 2 weeks ago.

I even put a self addressed stamped letter on the inside, so you didn't have to waste 44 cents on my anus!

All you had to do was write in my contributions & drop that shitzu in a mailbox. And you wonder why you got audited....FORK YOU!

Here's someone who's happy about giving.

Stupid hypocrites

I was watching American Idol last night & noticed one of the contestants claimed he was "A Child of God". What the Aeon Flux? I hope he loses for being a drama queen. News flash--No one wants to hear your bullnist. Also, if you're a child of god, what are the other contestants? Spawn of Satan? Demon Derelicts? Last time I checked, it was called American IDOL. If you'd read ur b-i-b-l-e, you'd see that idolatry is strictly forbidden, bichnuts! I was able to snag a Polaroid from someone else with an opinion on the matter.

Phun Phoundations 2: Door knocking

Door knocking. Visitation. Soul-Winning. Those crazy people at your door. On your way to hell? Chances are, you might be!!! Fundies savor the excitement of bugging the crap out of you & your objections to this is the least of their concern. Fundies are programmed to learn your objections & overcome them via delusions, make believe and spiritual world of warcraft.

Pop Quiz
1. If you died right now, are you 100% sure you'd go to heaven?
a) yes
b) no
c) maybe
d) not sure

If you answered either a, b, c or d, chances are according to the fundie handbook of door-knocking, you are not saved & on your way to Hades in a handbasket. But wait---I answered yes! Nope, a) is not the correct answer. Technicality. If you answer yes, but say that you go to any church other than a fundamental baptist church, you haved failed. That means Assembly of God, Church of God, Church of Christ, A.M.E, S.B.C. & RunDMC. All wrong, false churches & fundie bapt is the ONLY WAY. In fact, we were conditioned to dig deeper & try to get the person doubting their salvation to help them see us as right. Your rejection or insertion that you had your own faith, own church or no faith was blindly ignored by us go-getters. If you used any logic or reasoning to politely turn us down, it went in one ear & out the other. Your use of friends, & family members to get us to leave also went unnoticed. Your non-verbal clues such as checking your watch & fidgeting were seen as an open invitation to pump up the volume.

I have so graciously illustrated this point. I call it my "Hands in the air, Level of just don't care" ratio. Enjoy.

Standards provided by man's perceptions

What separates fundamentalism from all the other sects of Christianity? The easiest way to tell the difference is their OWN separation from the world. Their insistence on proselytizing everyone they meet, the women in dresses only/men in pants only. King James Bible ONLY!!! Taking everything literally from the Bible that suits their need & dismissing the ones they choose.

My church was a huge offender of this man-made Shi'ite. Men could not preach or go soul-winning if they did not have a)haircut, b) belt. c) shaven. Women could not go soul-winning or speak at womens activities unless they a) full time dresses only b) had appropriate hair length. They actually used to tell men that shorts were evil.

This may not seem like a big deal to a normal person, but in the fundie world, entire family's have been shunned because of their use of shorts, or that heathen woman in jeans.

They also had rulez that no one could be a leader in the church unless they were giving at least 20% of their income to the church. I thought God only wanted 10%, What the funk? They also wanted you to attend all their conferences/meetings out of town. Nevermind the fact, they'd conveniently schedule these conferences in the summer, you know, when folks want to go on vacation. So instead of enjoying the EVIL SUN and WATER, BEACH, FUN, you spend it in an economy hotel attending boring meetings.