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Many eons ago, every Saturday morning without fail, I'd get up ready to pop-lock and drop the gospel. I'd get dressed in my best potato sack jean skirt, and stylize it up with white socks & tennis shoes. The epitome of fundie fashion--Baby I had it goin' on! Then it was off to the recruiting grounds. Look, I don't know if your heart is supposed to go 'lub-dub, lub-dub, tingle, pop', but this activity nearly drove my social anxiety off the charts.
For a solid hour we trolled the streets of your neighborhood: Behold we stand at the door and knock! And we are knocking to see if we can get you to change your religion. We sold you Jesus and the promise eternal life. If we were lucky enough to set someone on the path to Christendom, then the next step would be to follow up & disciple. The follow-up plan was quite simple, nag them into the church, nag them into baptism. This set up a pattern of passive-aggressive phone calls and surprise visits. "We missed you this Sunday." A loving sentiment covered in snark. We know your phone number. We know where you live. We are persistent. There's only one thing you can do: Toot that thang up mami, make it roll into church.
Well, what the Hello Kitty, I got a hatemail--or perhaps some words of encouragement. It never ceases to amaze me how many christians can't be bothered to read the Bible. There is no point in arguing with me about "god is love" if you haven't read the book even once. A little background on myself: I have read the bible (KJV) several times through. I also have memorized chapters of the bible. I was a public speaker at many women's events. I am no authority, but I do think I have a good smug understanding. While some sheep blindly believe that god is big bundle of love, there are a few that have actually read the Bible & understand that he is a god of HATE!! I did want to address two things:
1. You need to come back to Jesus.
NO.
2. You need to repent for being a homosexual or will go to hell when you die!
I no longer fear hell. Bravo for harping on homosexuality. Read Romans 1, and solidify all the good book's justification for the death penalty on sodomites. Smile and be proud of yourself for not catching the gay...That's right, there are some evil people out there & those dirty, vile...eh...wait...what's that last part...? --Oh No! It can't be! Verse 32 "...they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them." So there you have it, if you even so much as watch a TV show with a gay character, you are just as guilty!
However if all else fails, please defer to Psalms 139:21-22. It's ok for you to hate me. Jesus is a hater. Either that or he has a mood disorder.
(Psalms 5:5, Psalms 11:5, Proverbs 6:16-19, Malachi 1:3, Romans 9:13)
Prayer. The answer no matter good or bad is always god's will. Why is it that some people waste time doing nothing more than praying to some dude in the sky? If he really answered prayer, wouldn't there be a whole lot more richer, healthier or at the very least less balding people walking around?
Your friend recovered from his deathbed? God's will.
Your friend died on his deathbed? God's will.
Have 10 kids? God's will.
Have 0 kids? God's will.
Saying that anything that happens is god's will is stupid and accomplishes nothing. Prayer is also a catchall for waiting around and avoiding reality. And what happens if the answer is an undesired one? Look at the flow chart.
Apparently URLAI thinks I'm a pretty upset blogger. At first I was like: Who the funk are these people? they don't know shi'ite about me or my blog, they can go stfu, I'll show them angry & upset, them stupid motherf-- But then I was like: Maybe I am.
My family is very religious. I was hanging with a relative of mine the other day when a religious song came on the radio. Since I already think christian music sucks, I changed the station. This invited an impromptu discussion about how I must be following Satan because of my rejection of all things christian. There you have it ladies & gentlemen: I'm a devil worshiper. This is the only logical conclusion since having no faith isn't an option in these here parts.
And in other news Mary Louise Parker is a hottie.
One day god is going to destroy the entire earth, so all the treasures on this earth are in vain. No need to pursue any outside career that will provide for your retirement, medical care, vacation, children. Fundies obsession with the destruction & end of the world often comes at the expense of common sense. (I know, right?) Jesus is coming back, might be this very day. Therefore, it is totally unnecessary for you to waste your money in the Devils' Institution. Besides, that whole pile of money could be better used at the church house.
Some of the more Gung-Holy fundies unfortunately lack a total trust that god will take care of them. For them, it's off to Bible College. No mind that it is totally unaccredited. Gung-Holy will be content with doing the exact same job for the REST OF HIS LIFE, and will never be laid off, downsized, or lose business. Or, if they do choose a different path, employers don't care about that stuff anyway. As long as you 'feel a calling in your heart' to be surgeon, that appendectomy will come out just fine.
"Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last."
Fundamentalist dating is for marriage only. Although they've been taught how evil the opposite sex is, they've been praying for a spouse since age 5. Satan has desired to have them, and if they want to leave the fold it will be through marriage.
Nothing is more pure & lovely than old fashioned courtin'. Since a fundy can only date another fundy, good luck if they live in a small town. Better get to a few conventions or singles conferences to check the merchandise of the sisteren or bretheren. Remember, items on sale or used items are never a bargain.
Chaperons are needed because despite the fact that the both of them are committed to purity, if left alone for 60secs both will surely fornicate each others brains out. In addition, the fundy must avoid all appearances of evil. If Mr. Right is seen alone with a girl, everyone one will assume he's laying a solid rock on her foundation.
All this protection is for the safety of 'guarding your heart'. During this courtship phase, physical contact is forbidden. Kissing and touching are evil. In fact, if you're doing it right, your first kiss and first time will be on your wedding day. No exceptions. From an awkward kiss at the alter to a bedroom fellowship session all in a couple of hours. But you prayed first, so surely goodness and mercy shall be had on the wedding night.
Happy Courtin' 
