Phun Phoundations 2: Door knocking

Door knocking. Visitation. Soul-Winning. Those crazy people at your door. On your way to hell? Chances are, you might be!!! Fundies savor the excitement of bugging the crap out of you & your objections to this is the least of their concern. Fundies are programmed to learn your objections & overcome them via delusions, make believe and spiritual world of warcraft.

Pop Quiz
1. If you died right now, are you 100% sure you'd go to heaven?
a) yes
b) no
c) maybe
d) not sure

If you answered either a, b, c or d, chances are according to the fundie handbook of door-knocking, you are not saved & on your way to Hades in a handbasket. But wait---I answered yes! Nope, a) is not the correct answer. Technicality. If you answer yes, but say that you go to any church other than a fundamental baptist church, you haved failed. That means Assembly of God, Church of God, Church of Christ, A.M.E, S.B.C. & RunDMC. All wrong, false churches & fundie bapt is the ONLY WAY. In fact, we were conditioned to dig deeper & try to get the person doubting their salvation to help them see us as right. Your rejection or insertion that you had your own faith, own church or no faith was blindly ignored by us go-getters. If you used any logic or reasoning to politely turn us down, it went in one ear & out the other. Your use of friends, & family members to get us to leave also went unnoticed. Your non-verbal clues such as checking your watch & fidgeting were seen as an open invitation to pump up the volume.

I have so graciously illustrated this point. I call it my "Hands in the air, Level of just don't care" ratio. Enjoy.

Phun Phoundations Part 1: Phamily

The ideal fundamental family has dad + mom = children o' plenty.

Dad. Dad does not smile. He does not show any character weakness of non-violent emotions. The father's role is a spiritual leader, head of household & all around jackhammer-of-all-trades. If your dad is not out working 16 hour days, you have failed as a fundamentalist. Dad's enormous pressure to support the entire family on his income, often leaves him grouchy. When dad walks through the door--leave him alone. He doesn't need to be bothered with gossip, junior's schoolwork, or bills overdue. Get out of his way. He is dad, he is King, his word is the law. All others are free to ride his pimp slap to oblivion.

Mom. Perhaps the most challenging job of all. Mom is on call 24/7, with no sick days, vacation, or pay for overtime. Her job is to keep the house & kids on track. Every good fundamentalist mom homeschools her children. If you are a mom & you are not homeschooling, then you are evil, wordly & allowing satan to be the instrument of sin in your child's life. If you're mom & you have only 0-1 kid, God surely hates you. Mom needs to be busy, not with the hellivision, but with guiding the house. No one in the house will accept anything less than homemade bread, homemade dresses for the girls and homemade manners. Remember, if your house is not spotlessly clean, the kids quiet and respectful, then dad will be tempted to sin. It's your job. Get on it.

Kids. A fundamental family should have enough kids to use the buddy system. i.e. each child has a younger child they are paired up with to take care of. Hence, the ideal family has at least 6 kids. The shining star of the fundie kidz can quote his bible verses, play an instrument, and spearhead's family night. Fundie kidz learn early on the evils of sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. They are vocal about their beliefs. Their career aspirations include missionary, pastor, or piano player.