You had me at hello

Fundamentalist dating is for marriage only. Although they've been taught how evil the opposite sex is, they've been praying for a spouse since age 5. Satan has desired to have them, and if they want to leave the fold it will be through marriage.

Nothing is more pure & lovely than old fashioned courtin'. Since a fundy can only date another fundy, good luck if they live in a small town. Better get to a few conventions or singles conferences to check the merchandise of the sisteren or bretheren. Remember, items on sale or used items are never a bargain.

Chaperons are needed because despite the fact that the both of them are committed to purity, if left alone for 60secs both will surely fornicate each others brains out. In addition, the fundy must avoid all appearances of evil. If Mr. Right is seen alone with a girl, everyone one will assume he's laying a solid rock on her foundation.

All this protection is for the safety of 'guarding your heart'. During this courtship phase, physical contact is forbidden. Kissing and touching are evil. In fact, if you're doing it right, your first kiss and first time will be on your wedding day. No exceptions. From an awkward kiss at the alter to a bedroom fellowship session all in a couple of hours. But you prayed first, so surely goodness and mercy shall be had on the wedding night.

Happy Courtin'

The Confessional Booth

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
It's the end of the service & time for prayer. The pastor encourages those who are not saved to come forward. Then it's time for the fundamentalist confession booth. No, I'm not talking about Catholicism, but there IS a confessional booth in the fundie world. It's called the altar, & good old-fashioned guilt trips filled with syrupy sweet buzz words get you there. Words that are over enunciated and the piano/organ sets the mood for a dirty, hot, steamy...uh...

"If you're sitting there today, & something in the sermon stirred your heart-a, I want you to come forward-a.."
"Someone here has sin in their life that they need to confess to God-a.."
"You've been praying about an area in your life that you need to change-a.."

Generalized terms that could potentially apply to anyone. If you go to a big church, good, you're safe & no need to take the long walk of shame. But, if you go to a small church, you're faced with a decision. Do you go & risk the rumor mill? Do you stay at your pew & risk the rumor mill? You can't win. The confession booth is for Sister Betty to have something to talk about on Monday.

And in other news, Scarlett Johansson is like totally, totally hot! Don't say I didn't warn ya!

"If you're struggling with sin-a, you need to get it settled today-a"

The imaginary movie screen in the sky

Many Christians macerroneously believe that after they die, Jesus is going to show them their sins on a big movie screen in front of everybody. Who's the genius that started this rumor? Once again, this rumor only solidifies my ability to generalize, prejudge & assume. The average xtian that believes this probably has not read their bible, but blindly follows traditions, customs & Pastor SoundingBrass. The idea of a huge movie screen showing your secret sins is not true!!! If you read your B-I-B-L-E instead of having it shoved down your throat on Sunday, you'd know this contradicts:

Heb 8:12, Heb 10:17 (He won't even 'member your sin.)
Ps 103:12 (Yo sins been moved far as the East to the West, Girl)
Rev 21:4 (Ain't no more sorrow or pain)

Hey, but what do I know? Maybe Jesus is watching you masturbate.

I now pronounce you Brother & Sister...

Ah..the strange custom of calling everyone 'brother' or 'sister'. Another one of the many things I'm glad to leave behind. I have no idea why this odd practice is so celebrated in Christianity. Now I understand "luv ya like a sis" & "bros before hos", but I've NEVER like calling others Sister Betty or whateva. It was always weird, forced & contrived. On top of that, it's super weird when church members start dating.

"Did you know Brother Billy & Sister Janey are dating?"

No. I did not. On top of that, what if these two actually marry? Seems odd to me, that you call each other Bro & Sis three times a week & have no problem discussing your eternal commitment to each other over Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat salad & breadsticks. Color me disgusted.