The art of the follow-up

Many eons ago, every Saturday morning without fail, I'd get up ready to pop-lock and drop the gospel. I'd get dressed in my best potato sack jean skirt, and stylize it up with white socks & tennis shoes. The epitome of fundie fashion--Baby I had it goin' on! Then it was off to the recruiting grounds. Look, I don't know if your heart is supposed to go 'lub-dub, lub-dub, tingle, pop', but this activity nearly drove my social anxiety off the charts.

For a solid hour we trolled the streets of your neighborhood: Behold we stand at the door and knock! And we are knocking to see if we can get you to change your religion. We sold you Jesus and the promise eternal life. If we were lucky enough to set someone on the path to Christendom, then the next step would be to follow up & disciple. The follow-up plan was quite simple, nag them into the church, nag them into baptism. This set up a pattern of passive-aggressive phone calls and surprise visits. "We missed you this Sunday." A loving sentiment covered in snark. We know your phone number. We know where you live. We are persistent. There's only one thing you can do: Toot that thang up mami, make it roll into church.

No funny, just talk

I had to stop for gas the other day on a road trip. I stopped at a JetPep, and felt a familiar panicky feeling as I realized this was the JetPep near my former church. I remembered the painful anxiety attacks I would get going out door to door. Then a major flood of relief as I realized those days are over & I will NEVER knock another strangers' door again. No more do I have to avoid making friendships with people, out of the fear that I must convert them. No longer will I subject a co-worker or relative to a quiz session on their salvation.

I'm mostly agnostic with some atheist leanings. Let's face it, accepting fundamentalism means accepting that the majority of your friends, co-workers and relatives are going to hell. Although they didn't exactly say it, I got the idea that my church ascribed to the KJVO method of salvation. (If you did not use the KJV, you are not saved.) On principle alone, this makes God a dick anyway If he would send someone to hell because they believed IN Jesus [NIV] vs. ON Jesus [KJV] John 3:16. On this technicality alone thousands of unfortunate souls can believe they are saved, attend church 3 times a week and still go directly to hell.

I used to be so preoccupied with thinking everyone was on their way to hell. Everyone. The idea that God would send people to hell even if they never even heard of him, believed the wrong religion, etc. was unsettling. Then I came to realize that someone who was supposed to be all powerful & all knowing was really just an ass. I also wanted nothing to do with him. I guess I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Haters be hatin'

In the fundie world, there are two school of thoughts on your eternal destination: Heaven or Hell. That's right, it's either Yahweh or the Highway. It is this school of thought that causes the fundie to worry so much about your black, wretched, filthy, on-the-rag soul. I'm sure there are some sincere Christians out there, who truly believe they are doing God's will. Hurray for them! That's not what I'm ranting about. I'm here to rip on the zealots.

I distinctly remember the day my church wanted to go to the area college and do street preaching and/or hold signs. As my brain was now operating at 50% capacity, I gave that idea a resounding "Sheol No!" There was no way, I was going to be the idiot with the "REPENT NOW" sign.

You've seen this guy on the corner of 20th street. His exterior is an accident waiting to happen. He has a scruffy beard & looks like he hasn't seen a bar of soap since Jem was Truly, Truly Outrageous. He's holding up a hand written sign & mumbling to himself. Bad Samaritans cross to the other side of the street to avoid him.

Yea, no way in Sheol was that happening for me.

Nor was I in a hurry to be the pompass on the street. You've probably seen this type of zealot in bus stations or busy pedestrian intersections. Not content to stand passively with just a sign, this son of a biotech has a megaphone. He's shouting at the top of his lungs. Not the gospel, though. He just wants to pwn you. Since the bible & God are his authority, it's open season all you sinners. The good news: You're going to hell. The bad news: You're going to hell. WHORE!

Yes sir! May I have another?

Phun Phoundations 2: Door knocking

Door knocking. Visitation. Soul-Winning. Those crazy people at your door. On your way to hell? Chances are, you might be!!! Fundies savor the excitement of bugging the crap out of you & your objections to this is the least of their concern. Fundies are programmed to learn your objections & overcome them via delusions, make believe and spiritual world of warcraft.

Pop Quiz
1. If you died right now, are you 100% sure you'd go to heaven?
a) yes
b) no
c) maybe
d) not sure

If you answered either a, b, c or d, chances are according to the fundie handbook of door-knocking, you are not saved & on your way to Hades in a handbasket. But wait---I answered yes! Nope, a) is not the correct answer. Technicality. If you answer yes, but say that you go to any church other than a fundamental baptist church, you haved failed. That means Assembly of God, Church of God, Church of Christ, A.M.E, S.B.C. & RunDMC. All wrong, false churches & fundie bapt is the ONLY WAY. In fact, we were conditioned to dig deeper & try to get the person doubting their salvation to help them see us as right. Your rejection or insertion that you had your own faith, own church or no faith was blindly ignored by us go-getters. If you used any logic or reasoning to politely turn us down, it went in one ear & out the other. Your use of friends, & family members to get us to leave also went unnoticed. Your non-verbal clues such as checking your watch & fidgeting were seen as an open invitation to pump up the volume.

I have so graciously illustrated this point. I call it my "Hands in the air, Level of just don't care" ratio. Enjoy.

Sorry

I started this blog to deal with my personal feelings after leaving fundamentalism. I was a devout fundamental baptist for about 5 years. I'm dealing with a lot of hurt, etc. after leaving. I attended church 3-4 times a week, monthly meetings, special trips, public speaker & soul winning/visitation. I gave prob more than 20% of my income to the church & so much more of myself than I should have. Sorry to anyone who's door I knocked & woke up early on Saturday mornings. I hated every moment of it & especially hated the talks afterword where church members would discuss the 'heathens destined for hell'. I also created this blog to show off my AWESOME MSPAINT SKILLZ!!
So Sorry