Culture Shock

Confession: The first time I heard rap music I cried. I had know idea that such music existed or why they were so angry. I couldn't stomach how anyone could say things that were so explicit. Over time, I realized that music was an expression of experiences of the artist. Not everyone grew up the same way, with the same type of neighbors and the same type of lifestyle. I still wonder why my parents let me out on my own. I was ill prepared for the real world. I was book smart, with zero street smarts. I was soooo green and trusting, on an epic level. After all, why would someone lie to me, isn't that a sin? This led to me being the butt of quite a few pranks. I have to take blame for some of it, because sometimes it was deserved.

There is a false safety net in fundamentalism. As a female, you are generally protected and shielded. You are raised to think your only purpose in life is to get married & bear children. If everything goes according to plan, you leave the headship of home, to the headship of a husband. My circumstances dictated I did not take this path.

What happens when slot A doesn't fit into slot b? Probably a midlife crisis.

I'm not familiar with that term

Sheltering and avoiding contact with the world is an important part of christian growth. I ate, slept and lived the fundie lifestyle. The outside world was scary, wicked and ungodly. My brain magically repressed that only a few years prior, I had actually lived in the real world. Soulwinning was my main contact with normal society. Every. Single. Saturday.

During my stint to be the bestest of the best, I went through a No TV phase. I grew up quite sheltered as a child, so TV free wasn't a hard transition. I don't even have cable now. When I do watch TV, my attention span is so short that I usually stick to 30min comedies/animation. **Nerd alert** One of the reasons I probably don't watch much TV, is because I'm a bit OCD on finishing the entire series.

After soulwinning, we often traded stories about the people we came in contact with. One hot button issue was the separation of male/female. This day the guys had an undetermined sex the door. A few jokes were cracked about not being able to tell which gender the person was. And then it happened.

I listened to a church member tell a story that was almost verbatim from "Family Guy". His friend had mistakenly got into an argument with a man who turned out to be a woman. Not only was his story, not true (lying ass), If I admitted I knew where it was from, then I would be admitting that I was familiar with the all too secular show. What's a fundie to do when Two Worlds Collide??? Of course, I did the polite thing and smiled at his little story. Now please excuse me as I try to pretend that this lady isn't a hottie.

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Are you ever gonna update?

You know, I really need to quit starting blog posts, and then procrastinating wearing my Not Pants and finally posting a month later. Yea, I'll work on that. There's also another post between this one, too.

Eddie Haskell style Christianity

I love 'Leave it to Beaver'. If you've never watched it, you probably won't get the title reference. However since 83.7% of fundamentalists* long for an idealist American family life set in the 1950's, I'm sure you can relate. It dawned on me that many christians are like good ole' Edward G. Haskell. This is the guy with such a huge overactive sense of self worth, he makes Kanye West look humble. Their behavior in front of others is all about one upping you to oblivion. They are winners. You must acknowledge it, and feel below average. If your kid was saying the alphabet at age two, their kid was reading Shakespeare at age two. Your kid has a piano recital, his created an original musical score for the local church. Blah, blah, freakin, blah. (This is about the time you're ready to introduce them to an holy right hook.) Not only that, they have a level of passive aggressiveness that is legendary. Of course, you may not always know this fact. You just wonder why their casserole at the church potluck always tastes funny.....


*Made up statistic. Blank Certificate via 123certificates.com.

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so blue

My interpersonal skills suck. Growing up, everyone thought I was just 'shy' and would eventually come out of my shell. It wasn't until I left fundamentalism that I finally decided to get help. I have social anxiety disorder. (Finally, a medical reason for my aloof, assoholic ways explained.) Religion in general places a huge emphasis on perfection. I wonder how many fundies are struggling to maintain a pure image? Outwardly pretending everything is great with false smiles to cover up the insecurity inside. I used to think I could pray away the KRAZY. After all, if god wanted us to have mental illnesses, he would've handed them out at alter call. Why is mental illness often overlooked, downplayed or demonized in religion? Religious logic deems that "God has given us a sound mind", 2 Tim 1:7 should be enough to handle any postpartum, post traumatic stress, or post wtfhaveigottenmyselfinto depression any christian faces. If the fundie prays hard enough, and all unconfessed sin in their life is accounted for, then surely everything will be fine. With prayer, meekness and a quiet spirit, they can do everything the right way at the right time, um, rightly. After achieving rightliness, all emotional eggs can be put in one basket and.....oh shitzu!...Dammit, I almost had a point, and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling bible: "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death."

...and Lord, please smite all them that disagree

As a former fundie, I like to make up my own statistics. So I'll say roughly, 83.7% of fundamentalists have a Superiority Complex. I also enjoy being my own authority, and speaking for an entire group of people. Here's my bullet points on the Origins of Fundie Arrogance:
--What else do they have besides heaven?
--Other sects of Christianity are wrong
--They believe in an old fashioned alter
--The bible is always right, therefore, they are too
--Their kids know more doctrine than you
--Only they have the right version of the Bible
--They are always persecuted for their beliefs
--Other Christians don't have their standards
--That rebellious woman is in pants!
--They win souls
--They aren't liberal

Without the superiority, they'd be just like every other christian out there. "Come out from among them & be ye separate."!

Repressed Sexuality

Sex is evil. Sex is bad. Don't do it until you're married. From my own perspective, being single is hard in fundamentalism. It's even harder being single when you're already 'damaged goods'. God throws thunder bolts from the sky at those who disobey his command to remain pure until marriage. Those who fornicate will forever lose a piece of their heart. They will never get it back. Masturbaters are filthy, dirty people who defile themselves. Ever hear a person give a testimony about how "They waited until marriage to lose their virginity?" I have. It was always served with a knowing smile and a side of smuggars jelly. A subtle reminder to those who hadn't waited. You're only a virgin once, so those who did it the right way can pass go and collect $200. Pious folks in the congregation know this. They will shove it in your face for the next 1000 years. I find it interesting that it's the women who usually boast this. In fact, this is something women would give a testimony about on Sunday nights. Why is always the women who waited? Shouldn't Brother Billy have to suffer the same oppression?

In conclusion, being a virgin is a wonderful, precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with you having sex.

Thank you for not discussing the outside world

A true fundie must shield their children from all that is secular, wordly. Fundies are notorious for living a life of exclusion. After all, they can not properly brainwash if they are exposed to differing points of view. I often think of all the little pleasures given up for fundamentalism. Organized sports for one thing. Fundie logic usually deems total separation; Sports take away your focus from god. Therefore little Junior does not even have an option to hang out with their peers. On the fundie-lite side, sports are allowed as long as there has been a careful, calculated ploy to reduce exposure. This means only approved playmates in a god-filled environment. Go Team!

Bathsheba was a whore

I was not born into fundamentalism, therefore some customs were strange to me. Although no one forced me, I knew that modesty was expected of women. The separation of male & female was clearly defined. Men wear pants, women don't. Women sit down, shut up & go bake me some cookies.

When I was following fundamentalism, I really wanted to please the LORD. I rarely do anything half-assed, so I gave it my all & made the plunge to all dresses/skirts. It's funny how people treat you differently when you wear only dresses. Suddenly people become more solemn, more serious as if afraid they'll offend you somehow. I remember one of my co-workers asking in hesitant, hushed tones "...um...You don't, um, wear pants do you?" The sharp contrast made me uncomfortable around those were not of the same belief.

Women have a duty to adorn modest apparel, making sure not to bring male attention to the outside appearance. Unlike the female specimen, men have uncontrollable urges and lust in their eyes. Costly array & broided hair may cause the male fundie to eye-rape the woman. Therefore, it is her fault if she causes him to fall into temptation.
Shirt I was too convicted to wear in my fundie days.

The art of the follow-up

Many eons ago, every Saturday morning without fail, I'd get up ready to pop-lock and drop the gospel. I'd get dressed in my best potato sack jean skirt, and stylize it up with white socks & tennis shoes. The epitome of fundie fashion--Baby I had it goin' on! Then it was off to the recruiting grounds. Look, I don't know if your heart is supposed to go 'lub-dub, lub-dub, tingle, pop', but this activity nearly drove my social anxiety off the charts.

For a solid hour we trolled the streets of your neighborhood: Behold we stand at the door and knock! And we are knocking to see if we can get you to change your religion. We sold you Jesus and the promise eternal life. If we were lucky enough to set someone on the path to Christendom, then the next step would be to follow up & disciple. The follow-up plan was quite simple, nag them into the church, nag them into baptism. This set up a pattern of passive-aggressive phone calls and surprise visits. "We missed you this Sunday." A loving sentiment covered in snark. We know your phone number. We know where you live. We are persistent. There's only one thing you can do: Toot that thang up mami, make it roll into church.

Hate rhymes with Great

Well, what the Hello Kitty, I got a hatemail--or perhaps some words of encouragement. It never ceases to amaze me how many christians can't be bothered to read the Bible. There is no point in arguing with me about "god is love" if you haven't read the book even once. A little background on myself: I have read the bible (KJV) several times through. I also have memorized chapters of the bible. I was a public speaker at many women's events. I am no authority, but I do think I have a good smug understanding. While some sheep blindly believe that god is big bundle of love, there are a few that have actually read the Bible & understand that he is a god of HATE!! I did want to address two things:

1. You need to come back to Jesus.
NO.

2. You need to repent for being a homosexual or will go to hell when you die!
I no longer fear hell. Bravo for harping on homosexuality. Read Romans 1, and solidify all the good book's justification for the death penalty on sodomites. Smile and be proud of yourself for not catching the gay...That's right, there are some evil people out there & those dirty, vile...eh...wait...what's that last part...? --Oh No! It can't be! Verse 32 "...they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them." So there you have it, if you even so much as watch a TV show with a gay character, you are just as guilty!

However if all else fails, please defer to Psalms 139:21-22. It's ok for you to hate me. Jesus is a hater. Either that or he has a mood disorder.
(Psalms 5:5, Psalms 11:5, Proverbs 6:16-19, Malachi 1:3, Romans 9:13)

The cause of and solution to all of life's problems:

Prayer. The answer no matter good or bad is always god's will. Why is it that some people waste time doing nothing more than praying to some dude in the sky? If he really answered prayer, wouldn't there be a whole lot more richer, healthier or at the very least less balding people walking around?


Your friend recovered from his deathbed? God's will.
Your friend died on his deathbed? God's will.
Have 10 kids? God's will.
Have 0 kids? God's will.

Saying that anything that happens is god's will is stupid and accomplishes nothing. Prayer is also a catchall for waiting around and avoiding reality. And what happens if the answer is an undesired one? Look at the flow chart.