Thank you for not discussing the outside world

A true fundie must shield their children from all that is secular, wordly. Fundies are notorious for living a life of exclusion. After all, they can not properly brainwash if they are exposed to differing points of view. I often think of all the little pleasures given up for fundamentalism. Organized sports for one thing. Fundie logic usually deems total separation; Sports take away your focus from god. Therefore little Junior does not even have an option to hang out with their peers. On the fundie-lite side, sports are allowed as long as there has been a careful, calculated ploy to reduce exposure. This means only approved playmates in a god-filled environment. Go Team!

Bathsheba was a whore

I was not born into fundamentalism, therefore some customs were strange to me. Although no one forced me, I knew that modesty was expected of women. The separation of male & female was clearly defined. Men wear pants, women don't. Women sit down, shut up & go bake me some cookies.

When I was following fundamentalism, I really wanted to please the LORD. I rarely do anything half-assed, so I gave it my all & made the plunge to all dresses/skirts. It's funny how people treat you differently when you wear only dresses. Suddenly people become more solemn, more serious as if afraid they'll offend you somehow. I remember one of my co-workers asking in hesitant, hushed tones "...um...You don't, um, wear pants do you?" The sharp contrast made me uncomfortable around those were not of the same belief.

Women have a duty to adorn modest apparel, making sure not to bring male attention to the outside appearance. Unlike the female specimen, men have uncontrollable urges and lust in their eyes. Costly array & broided hair may cause the male fundie to eye-rape the woman. Therefore, it is her fault if she causes him to fall into temptation.
Shirt I was too convicted to wear in my fundie days.

The art of the follow-up

Many eons ago, every Saturday morning without fail, I'd get up ready to pop-lock and drop the gospel. I'd get dressed in my best potato sack jean skirt, and stylize it up with white socks & tennis shoes. The epitome of fundie fashion--Baby I had it goin' on! Then it was off to the recruiting grounds. Look, I don't know if your heart is supposed to go 'lub-dub, lub-dub, tingle, pop', but this activity nearly drove my social anxiety off the charts.

For a solid hour we trolled the streets of your neighborhood: Behold we stand at the door and knock! And we are knocking to see if we can get you to change your religion. We sold you Jesus and the promise eternal life. If we were lucky enough to set someone on the path to Christendom, then the next step would be to follow up & disciple. The follow-up plan was quite simple, nag them into the church, nag them into baptism. This set up a pattern of passive-aggressive phone calls and surprise visits. "We missed you this Sunday." A loving sentiment covered in snark. We know your phone number. We know where you live. We are persistent. There's only one thing you can do: Toot that thang up mami, make it roll into church.

Hate rhymes with Great

Well, what the Hello Kitty, I got a hatemail--or perhaps some words of encouragement. It never ceases to amaze me how many christians can't be bothered to read the Bible. There is no point in arguing with me about "god is love" if you haven't read the book even once. A little background on myself: I have read the bible (KJV) several times through. I also have memorized chapters of the bible. I was a public speaker at many women's events. I am no authority, but I do think I have a good smug understanding. While some sheep blindly believe that god is big bundle of love, there are a few that have actually read the Bible & understand that he is a god of HATE!! I did want to address two things:

1. You need to come back to Jesus.
NO.

2. You need to repent for being a homosexual or will go to hell when you die!
I no longer fear hell. Bravo for harping on homosexuality. Read Romans 1, and solidify all the good book's justification for the death penalty on sodomites. Smile and be proud of yourself for not catching the gay...That's right, there are some evil people out there & those dirty, vile...eh...wait...what's that last part...? --Oh No! It can't be! Verse 32 "...they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them." So there you have it, if you even so much as watch a TV show with a gay character, you are just as guilty!

However if all else fails, please defer to Psalms 139:21-22. It's ok for you to hate me. Jesus is a hater. Either that or he has a mood disorder.
(Psalms 5:5, Psalms 11:5, Proverbs 6:16-19, Malachi 1:3, Romans 9:13)

The cause of and solution to all of life's problems:

Prayer. The answer no matter good or bad is always god's will. Why is it that some people waste time doing nothing more than praying to some dude in the sky? If he really answered prayer, wouldn't there be a whole lot more richer, healthier or at the very least less balding people walking around?


Your friend recovered from his deathbed? God's will.
Your friend died on his deathbed? God's will.
Have 10 kids? God's will.
Have 0 kids? God's will.

Saying that anything that happens is god's will is stupid and accomplishes nothing. Prayer is also a catchall for waiting around and avoiding reality. And what happens if the answer is an undesired one? Look at the flow chart.

God don't like ugly

Apparently URLAI thinks I'm a pretty upset blogger. At first I was like: Who the funk are these people? they don't know shi'ite about me or my blog, they can go stfu, I'll show them angry & upset, them stupid motherf-- But then I was like: Maybe I am.

Satan hath desired to have you

My family is very religious. I was hanging with a relative of mine the other day when a religious song came on the radio. Since I already think christian music sucks, I changed the station. This invited an impromptu discussion about how I must be following Satan because of my rejection of all things christian. There you have it ladies & gentlemen: I'm a devil worshiper. This is the only logical conclusion since having no faith isn't an option in these here parts.

And in other news Mary Louise Parker is a hottie.