The quest for perfection driven by competition, superiority

Many Christians are so bent on perfection that it leads to the single most annoying character trait in my book: Superiority. As the fundie strives for perfection, there is an intense competition to be the best. Sure, everyone likes to win, but fundies take this to a whole notha level.

Have you ever met those people that are "so spiritual" they can't even have a normal conversation? They answer the phone with "Hallelujah" instead of "Hello". Every other word out of their mouth is some spirit-filled-babble-nonsense. ANYONE who talks like this is a show off who is aggro-filled & needs their meds.


FakeFundie: Well I'm sure am blessed. Hallelujah, Sister, let's just take this to him in prayer.

Me: I just asked you whether I should wear the pink dress or the blue one. What the funk? Do you think you could at least ask a mutherfudging open ended question?


The phrase "you'll know them by their fruits" is so prevalent in the world of fundie. I guess everyone wants their fruit to be the most visible, plump, juicy sweetness in the church. This then sends the fundie on a lifelong intangible race of Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. I once knew a member who was so competitive, they wouldn't let a 5 year old win at board games. Seriously. "You won again at Hi-Ho-Cherry-Oh?" Wow, you must be the best mickificki on the planet!

My point is, it's stupid to spend your whole life competing on things that are intangible. What better way to illustrate how stupid this is than MSPaint?

Phun Phoundations Part 1: Phamily

The ideal fundamental family has dad + mom = children o' plenty.

Dad. Dad does not smile. He does not show any character weakness of non-violent emotions. The father's role is a spiritual leader, head of household & all around jackhammer-of-all-trades. If your dad is not out working 16 hour days, you have failed as a fundamentalist. Dad's enormous pressure to support the entire family on his income, often leaves him grouchy. When dad walks through the door--leave him alone. He doesn't need to be bothered with gossip, junior's schoolwork, or bills overdue. Get out of his way. He is dad, he is King, his word is the law. All others are free to ride his pimp slap to oblivion.

Mom. Perhaps the most challenging job of all. Mom is on call 24/7, with no sick days, vacation, or pay for overtime. Her job is to keep the house & kids on track. Every good fundamentalist mom homeschools her children. If you are a mom & you are not homeschooling, then you are evil, wordly & allowing satan to be the instrument of sin in your child's life. If you're mom & you have only 0-1 kid, God surely hates you. Mom needs to be busy, not with the hellivision, but with guiding the house. No one in the house will accept anything less than homemade bread, homemade dresses for the girls and homemade manners. Remember, if your house is not spotlessly clean, the kids quiet and respectful, then dad will be tempted to sin. It's your job. Get on it.

Kids. A fundamental family should have enough kids to use the buddy system. i.e. each child has a younger child they are paired up with to take care of. Hence, the ideal family has at least 6 kids. The shining star of the fundie kidz can quote his bible verses, play an instrument, and spearhead's family night. Fundie kidz learn early on the evils of sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. They are vocal about their beliefs. Their career aspirations include missionary, pastor, or piano player.

Separate and Unware

One major difference between Fundamental Baptists and other forms of Christianity is separation of male & female. Men wear pants. Women don't. You can get a good idea of how involved a woman is if she is a dresses only kinda woman. If she has reached this stage, run away quick! Here are my 3 stages of fundamental womanhood:

At this point she is a casual observer. She is still an abomination because she is wearing men's garments & her hair is short & trendy. The men in the church secretly admire her because this is the closest they can get to looking at the buttocks maximus.

At this point her conscious is probably bothering her & she is feeling 'convicted'. She has started wearing dresses to church & major functions. However, she is only performing the minimum fundamental standard: a) dress just to the knee b) hair just long enough c) high heels for attracting the brethren. She also has weird grooming habits such as wearing makeup, doing her hair & bathing daily.


This is the last stage. At this point, abandon all hope. She is now wearing the dreaded dress to the cankles. She has stopped cutting her hair completely & now has split ends & fly aways. She's probably gained a few pounds, but doesn't notice since her dress covers a multitude of fatty sins. *Note the awesome use of tennis shoes & white socks with a dress.

I now pronounce you Brother & Sister...

Ah..the strange custom of calling everyone 'brother' or 'sister'. Another one of the many things I'm glad to leave behind. I have no idea why this odd practice is so celebrated in Christianity. Now I understand "luv ya like a sis" & "bros before hos", but I've NEVER like calling others Sister Betty or whateva. It was always weird, forced & contrived. On top of that, it's super weird when church members start dating.

"Did you know Brother Billy & Sister Janey are dating?"

No. I did not. On top of that, what if these two actually marry? Seems odd to me, that you call each other Bro & Sis three times a week & have no problem discussing your eternal commitment to each other over Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat salad & breadsticks. Color me disgusted.

Stupid Christian Music

I was raised in a Christian home, so I was exposed to the christian genre of music. Growing up, I was only allowed to listen to this type. I think I've always had a love/hate type of relationship with the brand.

Now a true fundamentalist will tell you that Christian rock is just as ungodly as regular rock. I always hated how you'd go to the music store & the labels of christian music would have such epithets as: "If you like Snoop Dogg & Dr. Dre, listen to LowDaddy4Christ." It would always be some stupid comparison of a mainstream (wordly) artist to help you decide which christian rocker was right for you. Why not just listen to the real thing? Oh--that's right, there's no cussing or bad words in the genre...gulp...lols.

The other thing that used to bug me was all these Christian bands would mention secular artists as their influences. --Wait-- I thought the whole point of Christian music was to avoid the world's music. I call bullnist right there. It totally defeats the message. Far be it from them to say they were influenced by Elisha Hoffman, Fanny Crosby or THE BIBLE.





Oh, and by the way, that whole backwards masking thing works both ways. If people can pull satanic messages out of the Beatles, Ozzy Osburne, Alice in Chains, etc. I can pull it out of dcTalk & others. Check out Jesus Freak below. "Oh Shiz" is clearly proclaimed around the 7-8 sec mark. Same song listen at 10-15 secs and about 21 to the fade out: "never saved by..never seen him..Jesus..never saved by, never seen him" Do I think dcTalk deliberately put this in the song? Nope, highly doubtful.

"All rock 'n' roll is the devil's music."

LOLs, LMAO, ROFL. Click it, u know u luv my skillz.

His name was "Bob". He was always talking about Jesus, God or the Holy Spirit. Outwardly, he was everything you'd expect from a fundamental: nice family, decent job, wife with the long hair and dresses, witnessing, church attendance. People around the office used to call him "Praise-Him-Bob". The thing is, although God was apparently on his mind, he never praised him for the things you'd expect a normal Christian to thank him for. You know, blue skies, rainbows, pretty kittens, saving his soul. Oh no, "Bob" was the type of person to thank God for the misfortune of others.

Recently divorce your wife? --Praise Him!
Lose your life savings? --Praise Him!
Going to jail? --Praise Him!

Sorry

I started this blog to deal with my personal feelings after leaving fundamentalism. I was a devout fundamental baptist for about 5 years. I'm dealing with a lot of hurt, etc. after leaving. I attended church 3-4 times a week, monthly meetings, special trips, public speaker & soul winning/visitation. I gave prob more than 20% of my income to the church & so much more of myself than I should have. Sorry to anyone who's door I knocked & woke up early on Saturday mornings. I hated every moment of it & especially hated the talks afterword where church members would discuss the 'heathens destined for hell'. I also created this blog to show off my AWESOME MSPAINT SKILLZ!!
So Sorry