God don't like ugly

Apparently URLAI thinks I'm a pretty upset blogger. At first I was like: Who the funk are these people? they don't know shi'ite about me or my blog, they can go stfu, I'll show them angry & upset, them stupid motherf-- But then I was like: Maybe I am.

Satan hath desired to have you

My family is very religious. I was hanging with a relative of mine the other day when a religious song came on the radio. Since I already think christian music sucks, I changed the station. This invited an impromptu discussion about how I must be following Satan because of my rejection of all things christian. There you have it ladies & gentlemen: I'm a devil worshiper. This is the only logical conclusion since having no faith isn't an option in these here parts.

And in other news Mary Louise Parker is a hottie.

Higher Education is for Fools

One day god is going to destroy the entire earth, so all the treasures on this earth are in vain. No need to pursue any outside career that will provide for your retirement, medical care, vacation, children. Fundies obsession with the destruction & end of the world often comes at the expense of common sense. (I know, right?) Jesus is coming back, might be this very day. Therefore, it is totally unnecessary for you to waste your money in the Devils' Institution. Besides, that whole pile of money could be better used at the church house.

Some of the more Gung-Holy fundies unfortunately lack a total trust that god will take care of them. For them, it's off to Bible College. No mind that it is totally unaccredited. Gung-Holy will be content with doing the exact same job for the REST OF HIS LIFE, and will never be laid off, downsized, or lose business. Or, if they do choose a different path, employers don't care about that stuff anyway. As long as you 'feel a calling in your heart' to be surgeon, that appendectomy will come out just fine.

"Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last."

You had me at hello

Fundamentalist dating is for marriage only. Although they've been taught how evil the opposite sex is, they've been praying for a spouse since age 5. Satan has desired to have them, and if they want to leave the fold it will be through marriage.

Nothing is more pure & lovely than old fashioned courtin'. Since a fundy can only date another fundy, good luck if they live in a small town. Better get to a few conventions or singles conferences to check the merchandise of the sisteren or bretheren. Remember, items on sale or used items are never a bargain.

Chaperons are needed because despite the fact that the both of them are committed to purity, if left alone for 60secs both will surely fornicate each others brains out. In addition, the fundy must avoid all appearances of evil. If Mr. Right is seen alone with a girl, everyone one will assume he's laying a solid rock on her foundation.

All this protection is for the safety of 'guarding your heart'. During this courtship phase, physical contact is forbidden. Kissing and touching are evil. In fact, if you're doing it right, your first kiss and first time will be on your wedding day. No exceptions. From an awkward kiss at the alter to a bedroom fellowship session all in a couple of hours. But you prayed first, so surely goodness and mercy shall be had on the wedding night.

Happy Courtin'

J.O.Y. wonderful concept, dangerous practice

I'm back, baby! Let's just say I took some time out to um, er, reflect. Or perhaps after years of the single life, finally finding someone to um, er, reflect with. Yea, that's what it was.

Do you have JOY? The only true path to happiness is through Jesus 1st, Others 2nd Yourself last. To the average Jane Doe, this acronym probably sounds like a cutesy way to remember your manners. I have seen many a-proverbs-31-woman overwhelmed, overworked, overwithchilded, and overpatriarched. <-- yea, I made up two words, so what!!?

My fundamentalism became a systematic routine of pleasing others. At the expense of my own health, finances and sanity. Striving to appear a virtuous ruby in a sea of worldy cubic zirconium. A quiet suppression of emotions in order to live a life that I thought was 'pleasing to the saviour.'

I browse other fundamentalist blogs from time to time, and see the smiling faces on the big families. Prim, proper, neat. I often wonder what's behind the smile? Although I don't fault anyone living that type of life, some of those motherduggars are living a sugarcoated lie.

Vote for Jesus

I live in the Bible belt and it's voting season. I was visited by a person campaigning and was slightly annoyed that they mentioned the candidate was a 'good christian' who attended such & such church. As if their church affiliation would make me doo-si-do in their direction!

The only way to win in these here parts is join one of the right Christian groups. Nothing too radical like Mormonism or Catholicism either. Joe Politician must serve the communitay and he can't be moral without Jesus. I think we should go back to the biblical days of yore, where elected officials were anointed directly by some old fart with a horn, oil and a heifer. That way the candidate can truly say they art better than thee. Take that, King Saul! (1 Sam 15) This also has a double benefit of taking away the woman vote. Finally, the ugly candidate has a chance, since everyone knows women just vote for the cute one.



And in other news, Lisa Nova has one of the world's most beautiful smiles, yo.

No funny, just talk

I had to stop for gas the other day on a road trip. I stopped at a JetPep, and felt a familiar panicky feeling as I realized this was the JetPep near my former church. I remembered the painful anxiety attacks I would get going out door to door. Then a major flood of relief as I realized those days are over & I will NEVER knock another strangers' door again. No more do I have to avoid making friendships with people, out of the fear that I must convert them. No longer will I subject a co-worker or relative to a quiz session on their salvation.

I'm mostly agnostic with some atheist leanings. Let's face it, accepting fundamentalism means accepting that the majority of your friends, co-workers and relatives are going to hell. Although they didn't exactly say it, I got the idea that my church ascribed to the KJVO method of salvation. (If you did not use the KJV, you are not saved.) On principle alone, this makes God a dick anyway If he would send someone to hell because they believed IN Jesus [NIV] vs. ON Jesus [KJV] John 3:16. On this technicality alone thousands of unfortunate souls can believe they are saved, attend church 3 times a week and still go directly to hell.

I used to be so preoccupied with thinking everyone was on their way to hell. Everyone. The idea that God would send people to hell even if they never even heard of him, believed the wrong religion, etc. was unsettling. Then I came to realize that someone who was supposed to be all powerful & all knowing was really just an ass. I also wanted nothing to do with him. I guess I'm not the only one who feels that way.

My new favorite video.

More on my budding womanhood

I spent about a half an hour yesterday trying to find a safety pin. Then it dawned on me...I knew where one would be. The very bottom drawer. Yep, there pinned onto my fundamentalist uniform was a safety pin. (For it is not good to look upon a woman's calves.) The safety pin doing its job of keeping men and their filthy, lustful eyes from beholding the evil curves and beholding the good curves. I wonder why I hold onto these old dresses? I pulled out another dress, that a friend had sewn for me. Will I ever have a reason to wear them? Will there ever be an event where jean pants say "lazy bum" and jean skirts say "productive trendsetter"? I think back to the time of my total conversion from pants to only skirts...About that time, my dating life also slipped into oblivion. Hmmm? I wonder why?

The following real life images may be too risque. BEWARE.





And in other news, Jennifer Knapp is a hottie!

Haters be hatin'

In the fundie world, there are two school of thoughts on your eternal destination: Heaven or Hell. That's right, it's either Yahweh or the Highway. It is this school of thought that causes the fundie to worry so much about your black, wretched, filthy, on-the-rag soul. I'm sure there are some sincere Christians out there, who truly believe they are doing God's will. Hurray for them! That's not what I'm ranting about. I'm here to rip on the zealots.

I distinctly remember the day my church wanted to go to the area college and do street preaching and/or hold signs. As my brain was now operating at 50% capacity, I gave that idea a resounding "Sheol No!" There was no way, I was going to be the idiot with the "REPENT NOW" sign.

You've seen this guy on the corner of 20th street. His exterior is an accident waiting to happen. He has a scruffy beard & looks like he hasn't seen a bar of soap since Jem was Truly, Truly Outrageous. He's holding up a hand written sign & mumbling to himself. Bad Samaritans cross to the other side of the street to avoid him.

Yea, no way in Sheol was that happening for me.

Nor was I in a hurry to be the pompass on the street. You've probably seen this type of zealot in bus stations or busy pedestrian intersections. Not content to stand passively with just a sign, this son of a biotech has a megaphone. He's shouting at the top of his lungs. Not the gospel, though. He just wants to pwn you. Since the bible & God are his authority, it's open season all you sinners. The good news: You're going to hell. The bad news: You're going to hell. WHORE!

Yes sir! May I have another?

Thinking makes my brain hurt

Have you ever asked someone a question about the Bible & got the run around? Here's a Christian's guide to answering those toughy's.

1) "You're taking that verse out of context." This is the easiest surefire way to settle a dispute. Nothing works better to twist the question into what fits your opinionate . Now you've trumped any comeback from the opposition!! Context is everything. I'm sure you read the word YES, but what the Bible really meant was NO. You just took it out of context.

2) "You have to go back to the Greek." Yea, baby, the Greek. Because no one around you speaks it, Yahsoo? Sure you joined Eye Phelta Thigh in college, & besides those 3 letters, you don't know alpha from omega. Saying you have to go back to the greek, ensures you can make use of that semester in your non-accredited Bible College. Just make sure the person you're talking to isn't named Yanni or Helen. Efharisto.

3) "That falls under Old Testament law." Yes, all scripture is profitable for doctrine & correction except the first 39 books. It's all just a bunch of begat this, begat that anyway, with some poetry in the middle. Oh, yea...& a whole bunch of killin'.

4) "That verse shouldn't be taken literally." Amen-a!! Now you can rationalize and make that verse work, baby. It can mean anything you need the person to believe. This works to keep the questionee in limbo. Now, all the fuzzy parts of the bible can be explained away & the bad parts can be all LOVE all the TIME.

5) "Talk about ANYTHING else." Just change the subject. If they weren't an heretick, they wouldn't be asking you stupid questions anyway! How dare they question you? Satan is a deciever & he needs to be cast down under your feet. No weapon formed against you shall prosper & you need to keep the devil cast down. Boomhallejahshakazulu!!

The Confessional Booth

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
It's the end of the service & time for prayer. The pastor encourages those who are not saved to come forward. Then it's time for the fundamentalist confession booth. No, I'm not talking about Catholicism, but there IS a confessional booth in the fundie world. It's called the altar, & good old-fashioned guilt trips filled with syrupy sweet buzz words get you there. Words that are over enunciated and the piano/organ sets the mood for a dirty, hot, steamy...uh...

"If you're sitting there today, & something in the sermon stirred your heart-a, I want you to come forward-a.."
"Someone here has sin in their life that they need to confess to God-a.."
"You've been praying about an area in your life that you need to change-a.."

Generalized terms that could potentially apply to anyone. If you go to a big church, good, you're safe & no need to take the long walk of shame. But, if you go to a small church, you're faced with a decision. Do you go & risk the rumor mill? Do you stay at your pew & risk the rumor mill? You can't win. The confession booth is for Sister Betty to have something to talk about on Monday.

And in other news, Scarlett Johansson is like totally, totally hot! Don't say I didn't warn ya!

"If you're struggling with sin-a, you need to get it settled today-a"

The imaginary movie screen in the sky

Many Christians macerroneously believe that after they die, Jesus is going to show them their sins on a big movie screen in front of everybody. Who's the genius that started this rumor? Once again, this rumor only solidifies my ability to generalize, prejudge & assume. The average xtian that believes this probably has not read their bible, but blindly follows traditions, customs & Pastor SoundingBrass. The idea of a huge movie screen showing your secret sins is not true!!! If you read your B-I-B-L-E instead of having it shoved down your throat on Sunday, you'd know this contradicts:

Heb 8:12, Heb 10:17 (He won't even 'member your sin.)
Ps 103:12 (Yo sins been moved far as the East to the West, Girl)
Rev 21:4 (Ain't no more sorrow or pain)

Hey, but what do I know? Maybe Jesus is watching you masturbate.

On the eighth day, God created H8

I was listening to a fundamentalist attention whore the other day & the topic was Homosexuality. Gay hate is the last frontier for popular sermon bashing. It's sad that we live in a day where people's religious choices effect an entire high school prom. What about that students right not to adhere to the Bible Belt forcing her in the closet? Homo hate is nothing new in religious circles, but it's one of the most oppressing. On the extreme, you've got preachers yelling that God turned them gay & that they can't even be saved. So an entire group of people is damned to hell because of they way they were born? Some churches even have retraining courses for gays. The problem is that this teaches that's not ok to be gay, but rather they must change to conform. This leaves xtian gays with a wonderful lifelong celibacy, loneliness, dateless, masturbationless existence. Well I've decided to keep it real here. Every two weeks Whenever the hell I feel like it, I'll post a pic of women that I find hot. Here's my Lesbian Idol:

FBDTCQ7BHUX4

Angry Rant directed at my former church

As I sit here typing this, it is March 9th and you still haven't sent me my end-of-year tax contribution so I can file my taxes. It can't be because you don't have my address since I sent you a letter at the end of 2009. I have spent the past few months trembling in sweet anticipation waiting for my letter showing the monies I have given youse guys. In fact, I grew tired of waiting so I sent you another letter nearly 2 weeks ago.

I even put a self addressed stamped letter on the inside, so you didn't have to waste 44 cents on my anus!

All you had to do was write in my contributions & drop that shitzu in a mailbox. And you wonder why you got audited....FORK YOU!

Here's someone who's happy about giving.

Stupid hypocrites

I was watching American Idol last night & noticed one of the contestants claimed he was "A Child of God". What the Aeon Flux? I hope he loses for being a drama queen. News flash--No one wants to hear your bullnist. Also, if you're a child of god, what are the other contestants? Spawn of Satan? Demon Derelicts? Last time I checked, it was called American IDOL. If you'd read ur b-i-b-l-e, you'd see that idolatry is strictly forbidden, bichnuts! I was able to snag a Polaroid from someone else with an opinion on the matter.

Phun Phoundations 2: Door knocking

Door knocking. Visitation. Soul-Winning. Those crazy people at your door. On your way to hell? Chances are, you might be!!! Fundies savor the excitement of bugging the crap out of you & your objections to this is the least of their concern. Fundies are programmed to learn your objections & overcome them via delusions, make believe and spiritual world of warcraft.

Pop Quiz
1. If you died right now, are you 100% sure you'd go to heaven?
a) yes
b) no
c) maybe
d) not sure

If you answered either a, b, c or d, chances are according to the fundie handbook of door-knocking, you are not saved & on your way to Hades in a handbasket. But wait---I answered yes! Nope, a) is not the correct answer. Technicality. If you answer yes, but say that you go to any church other than a fundamental baptist church, you haved failed. That means Assembly of God, Church of God, Church of Christ, A.M.E, S.B.C. & RunDMC. All wrong, false churches & fundie bapt is the ONLY WAY. In fact, we were conditioned to dig deeper & try to get the person doubting their salvation to help them see us as right. Your rejection or insertion that you had your own faith, own church or no faith was blindly ignored by us go-getters. If you used any logic or reasoning to politely turn us down, it went in one ear & out the other. Your use of friends, & family members to get us to leave also went unnoticed. Your non-verbal clues such as checking your watch & fidgeting were seen as an open invitation to pump up the volume.

I have so graciously illustrated this point. I call it my "Hands in the air, Level of just don't care" ratio. Enjoy.

Standards provided by man's perceptions

What separates fundamentalism from all the other sects of Christianity? The easiest way to tell the difference is their OWN separation from the world. Their insistence on proselytizing everyone they meet, the women in dresses only/men in pants only. King James Bible ONLY!!! Taking everything literally from the Bible that suits their need & dismissing the ones they choose.

My church was a huge offender of this man-made Shi'ite. Men could not preach or go soul-winning if they did not have a)haircut, b) belt. c) shaven. Women could not go soul-winning or speak at womens activities unless they a) full time dresses only b) had appropriate hair length. They actually used to tell men that shorts were evil.

This may not seem like a big deal to a normal person, but in the fundie world, entire family's have been shunned because of their use of shorts, or that heathen woman in jeans.

They also had rulez that no one could be a leader in the church unless they were giving at least 20% of their income to the church. I thought God only wanted 10%, What the funk? They also wanted you to attend all their conferences/meetings out of town. Nevermind the fact, they'd conveniently schedule these conferences in the summer, you know, when folks want to go on vacation. So instead of enjoying the EVIL SUN and WATER, BEACH, FUN, you spend it in an economy hotel attending boring meetings.

General gripes

It's Saturday. You hear a knock on the door. You answer it. It's two peeps dressed nicely carrying their bibles. Oh, fudgesticks!! They invite you to church & then utter the single most illogical statement in all of fundamental mankind: "Have you turned from your sins to Jesus?"

Eight little words that make me throw up in my mouth. There are so many reasons why, but I'll try & keep it simple.

1) There is no biblical basis. If you believe the bible, it says that if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves & the truth is not in us. It is not possible to be sinless.

2) The statement implies that you must give up your life or turn over a new leaf to be a xtian. This is worse than the 1st because it confuses people. There are a countless number of idiots think they have to get saved all over again everytime they mess up. Stupid. I've seen people "get saved" and "get baptized" multiple times. Stupid.

3) If you have to turn from a life of sin, this implies that you must work your way into heaven. I thought the Mormons & Jehovah's witnesses had that covered, Baptist.

You show me a fundamentalist that thinks they've turned from their sins to Jesus, & I'll show you an arrogant, prideful, bastard who thinks they are better than everyone else.

The quest for perfection driven by competition, superiority

Many Christians are so bent on perfection that it leads to the single most annoying character trait in my book: Superiority. As the fundie strives for perfection, there is an intense competition to be the best. Sure, everyone likes to win, but fundies take this to a whole notha level.

Have you ever met those people that are "so spiritual" they can't even have a normal conversation? They answer the phone with "Hallelujah" instead of "Hello". Every other word out of their mouth is some spirit-filled-babble-nonsense. ANYONE who talks like this is a show off who is aggro-filled & needs their meds.


FakeFundie: Well I'm sure am blessed. Hallelujah, Sister, let's just take this to him in prayer.

Me: I just asked you whether I should wear the pink dress or the blue one. What the funk? Do you think you could at least ask a mutherfudging open ended question?


The phrase "you'll know them by their fruits" is so prevalent in the world of fundie. I guess everyone wants their fruit to be the most visible, plump, juicy sweetness in the church. This then sends the fundie on a lifelong intangible race of Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. I once knew a member who was so competitive, they wouldn't let a 5 year old win at board games. Seriously. "You won again at Hi-Ho-Cherry-Oh?" Wow, you must be the best mickificki on the planet!

My point is, it's stupid to spend your whole life competing on things that are intangible. What better way to illustrate how stupid this is than MSPaint?

Phun Phoundations Part 1: Phamily

The ideal fundamental family has dad + mom = children o' plenty.

Dad. Dad does not smile. He does not show any character weakness of non-violent emotions. The father's role is a spiritual leader, head of household & all around jackhammer-of-all-trades. If your dad is not out working 16 hour days, you have failed as a fundamentalist. Dad's enormous pressure to support the entire family on his income, often leaves him grouchy. When dad walks through the door--leave him alone. He doesn't need to be bothered with gossip, junior's schoolwork, or bills overdue. Get out of his way. He is dad, he is King, his word is the law. All others are free to ride his pimp slap to oblivion.

Mom. Perhaps the most challenging job of all. Mom is on call 24/7, with no sick days, vacation, or pay for overtime. Her job is to keep the house & kids on track. Every good fundamentalist mom homeschools her children. If you are a mom & you are not homeschooling, then you are evil, wordly & allowing satan to be the instrument of sin in your child's life. If you're mom & you have only 0-1 kid, God surely hates you. Mom needs to be busy, not with the hellivision, but with guiding the house. No one in the house will accept anything less than homemade bread, homemade dresses for the girls and homemade manners. Remember, if your house is not spotlessly clean, the kids quiet and respectful, then dad will be tempted to sin. It's your job. Get on it.

Kids. A fundamental family should have enough kids to use the buddy system. i.e. each child has a younger child they are paired up with to take care of. Hence, the ideal family has at least 6 kids. The shining star of the fundie kidz can quote his bible verses, play an instrument, and spearhead's family night. Fundie kidz learn early on the evils of sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. They are vocal about their beliefs. Their career aspirations include missionary, pastor, or piano player.

Separate and Unware

One major difference between Fundamental Baptists and other forms of Christianity is separation of male & female. Men wear pants. Women don't. You can get a good idea of how involved a woman is if she is a dresses only kinda woman. If she has reached this stage, run away quick! Here are my 3 stages of fundamental womanhood:

At this point she is a casual observer. She is still an abomination because she is wearing men's garments & her hair is short & trendy. The men in the church secretly admire her because this is the closest they can get to looking at the buttocks maximus.

At this point her conscious is probably bothering her & she is feeling 'convicted'. She has started wearing dresses to church & major functions. However, she is only performing the minimum fundamental standard: a) dress just to the knee b) hair just long enough c) high heels for attracting the brethren. She also has weird grooming habits such as wearing makeup, doing her hair & bathing daily.


This is the last stage. At this point, abandon all hope. She is now wearing the dreaded dress to the cankles. She has stopped cutting her hair completely & now has split ends & fly aways. She's probably gained a few pounds, but doesn't notice since her dress covers a multitude of fatty sins. *Note the awesome use of tennis shoes & white socks with a dress.

I now pronounce you Brother & Sister...

Ah..the strange custom of calling everyone 'brother' or 'sister'. Another one of the many things I'm glad to leave behind. I have no idea why this odd practice is so celebrated in Christianity. Now I understand "luv ya like a sis" & "bros before hos", but I've NEVER like calling others Sister Betty or whateva. It was always weird, forced & contrived. On top of that, it's super weird when church members start dating.

"Did you know Brother Billy & Sister Janey are dating?"

No. I did not. On top of that, what if these two actually marry? Seems odd to me, that you call each other Bro & Sis three times a week & have no problem discussing your eternal commitment to each other over Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat salad & breadsticks. Color me disgusted.

Stupid Christian Music

I was raised in a Christian home, so I was exposed to the christian genre of music. Growing up, I was only allowed to listen to this type. I think I've always had a love/hate type of relationship with the brand.

Now a true fundamentalist will tell you that Christian rock is just as ungodly as regular rock. I always hated how you'd go to the music store & the labels of christian music would have such epithets as: "If you like Snoop Dogg & Dr. Dre, listen to LowDaddy4Christ." It would always be some stupid comparison of a mainstream (wordly) artist to help you decide which christian rocker was right for you. Why not just listen to the real thing? Oh--that's right, there's no cussing or bad words in the genre...gulp...lols.

The other thing that used to bug me was all these Christian bands would mention secular artists as their influences. --Wait-- I thought the whole point of Christian music was to avoid the world's music. I call bullnist right there. It totally defeats the message. Far be it from them to say they were influenced by Elisha Hoffman, Fanny Crosby or THE BIBLE.





Oh, and by the way, that whole backwards masking thing works both ways. If people can pull satanic messages out of the Beatles, Ozzy Osburne, Alice in Chains, etc. I can pull it out of dcTalk & others. Check out Jesus Freak below. "Oh Shiz" is clearly proclaimed around the 7-8 sec mark. Same song listen at 10-15 secs and about 21 to the fade out: "never saved by..never seen him..Jesus..never saved by, never seen him" Do I think dcTalk deliberately put this in the song? Nope, highly doubtful.

"All rock 'n' roll is the devil's music."

LOLs, LMAO, ROFL. Click it, u know u luv my skillz.

His name was "Bob". He was always talking about Jesus, God or the Holy Spirit. Outwardly, he was everything you'd expect from a fundamental: nice family, decent job, wife with the long hair and dresses, witnessing, church attendance. People around the office used to call him "Praise-Him-Bob". The thing is, although God was apparently on his mind, he never praised him for the things you'd expect a normal Christian to thank him for. You know, blue skies, rainbows, pretty kittens, saving his soul. Oh no, "Bob" was the type of person to thank God for the misfortune of others.

Recently divorce your wife? --Praise Him!
Lose your life savings? --Praise Him!
Going to jail? --Praise Him!

Sorry

I started this blog to deal with my personal feelings after leaving fundamentalism. I was a devout fundamental baptist for about 5 years. I'm dealing with a lot of hurt, etc. after leaving. I attended church 3-4 times a week, monthly meetings, special trips, public speaker & soul winning/visitation. I gave prob more than 20% of my income to the church & so much more of myself than I should have. Sorry to anyone who's door I knocked & woke up early on Saturday mornings. I hated every moment of it & especially hated the talks afterword where church members would discuss the 'heathens destined for hell'. I also created this blog to show off my AWESOME MSPAINT SKILLZ!!
So Sorry